Period Piece

You are the Warrior.

And solace has been denied.

It matters not to you who builds a wall, nor what its purpose may be. A wall keeps only itself, and does not give or take. A wall never asks, never concedes, never releases.

To a Warrior, walls are shelter. Refuge. Solace.

To a Beast, walls are an ambush.

From the lush emerald carpets to the red velvet seats of the pews, it seemed as though no luxury had been considered too exorbitant in the decorator's quest to make the place as showy and superfluous as possible. The main congregation hall looked ready to seat well over five hundred, with three equal rows of pews neatly aligned to form a three-wedge semicircle centered toward the massive stage against the far wall. Victorian-style wooden tables were adorned with flowering vases and silver candelabras. A glittering chandelier above illuminated the entire spectacle.

The whole place reeked of snake oil and tax exemptions.

"Wow, looks like SOMEONE was sure racking up the worship!" Heqet concurred, marvelling at the finely-carved wooden cross hung neatly at the back of the auditorium, behind the stage. "That was just a guess by the way! I'm still pretty unfamiliar with human customs, but this auditorium type-room sure looks ideal for general praise and recitations of prayer!"

"Yeah, I guess," Jacqui half-responded, instead regarding the enormous stained glass mosaic window looming tremendously before her. "...I mean, I haven't been inside a church in so many years, but yeah, it's...pretty much just how I remember it."

"You mean it's just like you always DREAMED?" Heqet returned, accompanied by a grin so smug it should have owned its own car dealership.

Jacqui sent a momentary glare back at her before quickly dissolving it into her own grin of equal or lesser value. She poked the frog on the nose with a boop sound. "Looks like I'm rubbin' off on YOU as much as you are on me!"

Heqet giggled, but carried on with her thoughts anyway. "Well anyway, it would appear we have finally arrived at our destination! And, if your guess is right, what we're looking for here is some kind of portal to God's pocket dimension that you're totally sure exists, so we ought to hop to it!"

"...yeah..." came the reply from a distracted Jacqui, again gazing up curiously at the stained glass window. It stood at least four times her height, five if she was honest about it, and its multicolored mosaic formed the image of a man robed in orange and cream, reaching into the sky. A thread of thorns clung tightly in a ring around his head, trailing down his outstretched arm, and for whatever reason, there was a dove flying away from his fingertips.

...so is this supposed to be Jesus? Or is it God? Aren't they like, kind of the same person anyway? And what about the Holy Spirit, where does that guy fit into the picture? Isn't God supposed to be a Trinity or something? Can't remember...it's been too long since I had to think about any of this stuff.

What the hell does 'Trinity' mean, anyway? Other than being a badass name for a girl, that is. Does it mean God has like, three main forms, or are they all just adjectives for the same person? How is God supposed to be the father of Jesus if they're the same person? Is this like that "I'm My Own Grandpa" song or something? What moron had to go and make all this God shit so damn confusing?

"...I can see you've still got a number of unresolved questions," Heqet interrupted, nudging her leathery elbow against Jacqui's cheek.

"...shit, was I thinkin' out loud again?"

"Not as far as I could spy!" The frog took a leap from her shoulder, landing on the pulpit at the front of the stage. "Wanna take a moment to try and get some answers before diving deep into the continuing mission to explore this strange new world?"

"Nope," Jacqui replied, effortlessly snapping back to full attention with a certain instant resolution. "The less time we spend here, the better. I told you, there's reasons I never came back to church. And besides, I've already had more existentialism and big-picture bullshit in this dream - er, y'know...living hell or whatever it is - than I ever asked for in real life."

"Aww, where's your sense of adventure?" Heqet's head tilted. "...actually, never mind, I guess getting on with the quest already IS a pretty valid sense of adventure, isn't it? Ha ha!"

"Right," she nodded, eyes making another sweep around the room. "So then...if I were a portal, where would I be...?"

"If I were a portal, I'd be shaped like a door!" Heqet offered, also making an analytical scan of the room.

"Helpful." She crossed her arms and tried to ignore the squeezing sensation below. "And now that I'm thinking about it, I bet you're also gonna tell me we can't just use your magic butt-arrow, can we?"

"That's...unfortunately correct!"

"Feh," Jacqui spit - literally, with some lingering doubt in the back corner of her mind that God might get angry at her for doing so in a church, and so show his hand early. No such luck, sadly. "What good is a magic arrow that only works half the time anyway?"

"It IS a magic arrow, but it's not a scientific arrow!" Heqet explained cheerfully, wiggling her magic, not-scientific bottom. "And magic isn't an exact science! Or rather, the SCIENCE of magic is that, by nature, it's IN-exact, and operates more on principle and metaphor than on semantics or logical thought constructs!"

She received an asynchronous blink in response. "...so what you're saying is...?"

"The point of your quest is learning HOW to get the correct answer, not just answering the question!" Heqet replied with a wink. "That's why you can't spell 'question' without 'quest'!"

And the heavy sigh returned. "Here we fucking go again. It's riddle time, isn't it? I have to solve another bullshit puzzle about my place in the universe before we can proceed, don't I?"

"Yep! Knowledge is power, so learning is charging up your laser beam!"

"Why couldn't this just be a simple quest for vengeance where I get to punch God in the dick?" Jacqui grumbled. "Is that so much to ask?"

"Ask a question and you'll receive two more in its place!"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it...". She exhaled and put her fists up in a ready fighting stance, despite further complaints from the undercarriage. "Alright then, let's have it, church! Show me what weirdo bullshit religious lesson I'm supposed to learn next! Which new idiot stereotype do I get to fight this time? Are they gonna try beating me over the head with the Bible, or maybe splashing my eyes with the wine of communion or whatever? Come on and bring 'em out, let's get this party started already!"

Predictably, the church didn't respond. But Heqet did.

"...ooh, speaking of Bibles, looks like there's a holy book conveniently lying right here on this podium!"

Jacqui huffed. "Of course there is...".

"I wonder if maybe there's a clue hidden in the text somewhere that we can use to our portal-hunting advantage?" Heqet suggested with a pleasant smile.

The exact opposite happened on Jacqui's face. "...no way in hell - or heaven, I guess - am I gonna spend a single minute of my revenge dream quest readin' fuckin' bible stories."

"Have no fear, my courageous hero!" reassured her guide with a wave of her hand. "It's MY turn to tell YOU not to worry about it! As your guide on all matters of the spiritual and holy, I'LL read the book aloud to YOU - gladly, even! - while you take a peek around!"

The hiss of a smoldering grumble emanated from somewhere within Jacqui's throat through her clenched teeth. It was the grumble of the defeated, those consigned to fates they wouldn't wish on their worst nemeses, much less willingly accept as their own. But, as far as Jacqui was concerned, she was helpless to fight it at this point. Life had inflicted her with lemons, so she may as well add them to her drink and ask if Life had any umbrella straws to go with 'em.

After all, Life was but a dream at this point, wasn't it...?

With one final begrudged exhalation of breath, Jacqui assented and opened the floor to her amphibious preacher friend. "...fine. You probably don't have anything better to do around here anyway, and I'd hate for YOUR trip out here to be for nothing...".

Heqet's cheeks glowed like sapphires as she smiled back. "Thanks for caring, sunshine!"

"Don't make it weird."

"I'm fairly certain I've already failed that, but I've noted it for the future anyway!"

And so, as Jacqui ambled around the auditorium - to check under the seats and inside the spacious walk-in closets for any door-shaped portal devices, she guessed - Heqet took point at the pulpit and pushed open the cover of the oversized Holy Book seated thereupon, cleared her throat, and began reading aloud:

"'In the beginning, God created the Heavens and Earth...'".

Somewhere beneath the surface of cognizance, Jacqui must have realized that she shouldn't bother reacting to the mystery of Heqet's ability to not only speak and understand human English, but also to read it. A dozen fancy science fiction terminologies such as "universal translator" and "telepathy" could be heard swimming curiously in the background of thought, but Jacqui felt she already had the best descriptor ready and waiting at the forefront: "it's a fuckin' dream, everything is meaningless, deal with it".

"'And then God said, 'let there be light,' and there was light.'"

Darkness flooded the room dramatically.

Jacqui snorted, then flicked the light switch back on. "Sounds like God's got nothin' on me so far."

Heqet laughed in agreement, then continued reading. "'God saw that the light was good, and God separated the light from the darkness.'"

Still bored despite running her hand through the cracks in the pews, fishing for loose change, Jacqui smacked her lips and asked, "...that where the whole 'light is good, darkness is bad' thing comes from?"

"Oh, is that how humans see it?" Heqet asked, pausing with one tiny finger marking her place. "Just so you know, I've seen plenty of other worlds and cultures who consider the exact opposite to be the truth!"

"Goths probably," she nodded in reply, fingering a candelabra on a nearby table.

"Hmm."

"Hey, could you skip ahead a little bit or something?" she asked, shifting uncomfortably as she glanced around for a new spot to probe. "I only got so many creation jokes, and I wanna be the wisecracking one."

"...um...alrighty then," Heqet obliged, turning the page with a slight pang of apprehension. "Well...let's see here...um...boy, this creation business seems to go on for a while. Looks like the God in this book went on to create every other facet of existence before finally creating humans!"

"Psh, typical God. Save the worst for last, am I right?"

Heqet cocked her head intriguingly. "...Jacqui, I have a question!"

Jacqui put up her palms in surrender. "Hey, YOU'RE the religious expert, not me…".

"It's a HUMAN question!" Heqet added, eyes glowing with her trademark unquenchable thirst for knowledge. "If my observations from our encounters tonight are correct, there are, at the very least, maybe three or more genders for humans, correct?"

"...yeah? And?"

"This passage here only talks about God creating humans under one gender!" she explained, prodding the words with her finger. "It says God created 'man'!"

It was Jacqui's turn to cock her head. "...wait, does it say 'mankind' or just 'man'?"

"SPECIFICALLY just man!" Heqet clarified. "This chapter seems to detail how the God created one human, of one gender, then placed him in charge of naming all the planet's fauna, then living naked among all the planet's flora!"

Sigh.

"...somehow I'm not surprised," Jacqui rolled her eyes and walked off to stare again at the stained glass windows, this time of a man robed in white, holding a long walking stick somewhat horizontally at waist level, bringing to mind certain relevant metaphors that made her chuckle ironically to herself. "...bet that piece of shit book doesn't even MENTION any other genders."

"Hmm..." the frog pored closely over the paragraphs, continuing to defy the laws of rational logic by effortlessly reading and interpreting human English - and a badly outdated translation of it at that. "Oh, here! Some time after all the mess of creation settles down, the text goes on about how unhappy the man is in his new life."

"Unhappy?" she snorted disapprovingly. "Guy literally gets an entire world to himself, free of charge, on a silver fucking platter...and somehow he's not satisfied with it? How? How is that not enough for him? What more could he possibly...oh...oh, GOD, don't tell me...".

"...'but for Adam, no suitable helper was found,'" Heqet read on. "'So the LORD God -' interesting emphasis on lordship there, as if the 'lord' title holds more clout than the 'god' one, ha! - '...caused the man to fall asleep, and took out one of his ribs, and resealed his flesh. Then the LORD God -' hehe, I like shouting that part for emphasis! - '...fashioned a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and brought her to the man.'"

"Stop." Jacqui held up a hand, the other massaging her forehead, as if that would somehow quell the churning bile in her reactor core. "I've officially heard more than I needed to. I can probably piece the rest together in my head from here, it's so utterly fucking predictable."

"Oh?" Heqet climbed atop the page to give her undivided attention. "Please, go on!"

"What, you don't get it?" she answered bitterly. "...no, I guess you wouldn't, not being familiar with our human history and all that."

"I'd sure be honored for the education!"

"Ugh, fine..." Jacqui sneered, but not in Heqet's direction. "It's so obvious, though. I've heard stories like that so goddamn many times. They're all the same. Story about a man, everything he does is special, he was 'The First', and that's supposed to be WHY he's special. He was born first, so he gets to be king. Master of all the animals and all the trees, because he's so Special and First. God's little chosen one. The center of the entire fucking universe."

Heqet so badly wanted to interrupt and point out that she, as a transdimensional spiritual being, had personally borne witness to the center of the universe, and would gladly testify that it was devoid of human men, or any other type of being for that matter. But, wisely recognizing that her liege was on the verge of epiphany, she chose to swallow it and quietly burped to herself instead.

"And to top it all off," Jacqui shouted now, her hands flitting about as they joined in, "...as nothing more than a cheap afterthought, just so the big important First Man King wouldn't be LONELY, then, and ONLY then, does God create anyone else! Kinda surprised he didn't create a second man, 'cause why mess with 'perfection', right? Except, no, wait, two men would be too gay for a Special First King like him, so I guess they decided to settle for a woman instead, right?!"

"And THEN!" she continued, thrusting a finger into the air, "...he goes and makes her out of leftover man parts! It's a clear suggestion to the idea that women OWE their existence to the men they were created from! As if women are nothing more than the complementary puzzle piece to the Almighty Special Man who came First! As if God, with a nudge and a wink, went and told the man, 'hey bro check it out, I made you this helper so you wouldn't get lonely - if you catch my drift - and she's literally made of BONE...heh, get it? So you can BONE her?'"

The joke was lost on poor Heqet, left only to silently wonder if skeletons held a place somewhere in human foreplay.

Realizing how far off she'd bounded with that tangent, Jacqui straightened up and brushed the stray hair from her face. "...basically, my point is...that ain't no holy book."

"It's not???"

"There's no way that that's really how it happened," she intoned as her eyes locked onto Heqet's with laser-point accuracy. "...that bullshit you just read was DEFINITELY written by a man."

Heqet gave her an asynchronous blink before following up for clarification, "...a HUMAN man?"

"Fuckin' straight," she nodded in disgust. "I mean, look at it. It's all wish fulfillment, isn't it? Men shaping history in their own image, like it's always been about them, because they're the special ones, the First...it's the same shit they've always pulled since...well fuck, since the goddamn beginning, apparently. Everything about this whole 'creation story' screams 'Look at me, I'm the most dick-tuggin' male fantasy of all time!'"

"Hmm," Heqet pondered thoughtfully. "So the 'Man' gender of humankind has historically been the one directing the religion canon of this universe? Huh, that really pushes all my existing knowledge of this universe's beliefs into a new light...how fascinating!"

"Not really," Jacqui shook her head disdainfully and sighed. "Now it's just depressingly realistic. I knew comin' in here would be a waste of time. C'mon, let's at least get back to lookin' for the portal or something. ANYTHING would be better than more of this masturbatory bullshit...".

"I'm all well and down for getting back to our original ordained task," Heqet approved, but with a hanging sentiment at the end, "...but as I'm sure you've no doubt deduced, there doesn't really seem to BE a portal here at all...".

"Well whatever we're looking for HAS to be around here somewhere, doesn't it?" Jacqui snapped, patience reserves growing critically empty. "This IS where the Arrow brought us, isn't it?"

"Most definitely, yes!" Heqet replied, completely unfazed or oblivious as ever.

"So what the fuck, then?!" she demanded, pounding a fist against the pulpit. "It's like we're still missin' a goddamn puzzle piece, and you won't tell me where it is! And don't you fucking DARE hit me with more of that 'the Journey is the Answer to the Question your Ass is Asking you' bullshit, either!"

Her mouth flattened into a straight line, but the sunshine in Heqet's voice held out. "I'm sure the Great Will of the Macrocosmic Universe has its reasons...even if you and I can't immediately see them, there MUST be a reason we ended up here, other than to learn about the erasure of gender in human religious politics, of course!"

"Well I'm NOT immediately seeing them," Jacqui seethed, her eyes wandering around the room for the umpteenth time, hoping by some miracle that on this pass, something would helpfully light up when they passed over it. "...and it's pissing me the fuck off. We gotta be missing something."

"But what?"

She let out an exasperated sigh, desperately wanting to punch the face of some living thing to appease the frustrated rage in her brain - or at least the rage in her uterus - but not willing for that living thing to be Heqet. Her eyes seemed to keep returning to that same stained glass window behind her, which she swore looked different every time she passed by its glimmering rainbow refractions of light. "...I don't know, maybe we missed some critical quest item early on and now we gotta backtrack all the way to the beginning or something?"

"Oh, I sure hope not!" Heqet gasped in worry. "That would mean my arrow isn't working properly...which would kind of defeat my purpose here, rendering me nothing more than a shallow husk of leathery uselessness as far as your quest is concerned!"

Jacqui gave her a resigned look, anger slowly dissipating as it leaked harmlessly out her ears. "...god dammit Heqet, don't talk like that. You're worth more to me than just your sexy magic frog ass and you know it."

The sexy magic frog ass in question re-alighted on her shoulder, eyes glowing with unconditional love. "Awww, Jacqui!!! You really mean that?"

It was like talking to a puppy. One glare into those gleaming, glimmering eyes...THAT was Heqet's REAL magic ability. Those eyes simply would not abide such emotions as anger or grudge, and quickly erased every negative word in Jacqui's vocabulary, tugging the ends of her mouth back into an unavoidable smile.

"...c'mon, Heqet, you know I do," she said, defeated, but happily so. "...look, I know I've been kinda bitchy tonight, but after everything we've already been through, I don't think I could even hate you if I tried."

"So...you LOVE me, then?" Heqet asked, smile bright enough to light the entire auditorium.

Jacqui shrugged, smile widening. "...sure, I love you."

"Then kiss me, you fool!"

The smile was supplanted by a raised brow. "...w-what? Why? You gonna turn into a handsome princess if I do?"

"I just wanted to see if you'd do it!" Heqet winked back.

"...and what if I do?" Jacqui replied before she'd taken a moment to consider what she'd replied with.

"PLEASE, don't..." interrupted another presence from over her other shoulder.

She didn't even have to turn her head.

"I was wondering when your shady ass would show up again," Jacqui replied nonchalantly as Heqet peered around her to give their spectral guest an uncomfortably friendly stare.

"Glad to know my company was expected," crooned the Specter in a voice high on arrogant mystery. "Especially when you consider that I could be doing literally anything else imaginable at this moment. I don't know whether to congratulate you for guessing my intentions, or to admonish your perceived self-importance."

Jacqui found she really wasn't in a mood to contemplate the seductive voice of the dark side. "And what the fuck DO you want, Specter?"

"Just checking in on my favorite pincushion," they answered, sliding into view and leaning against the wall beside the stained glass mural. "How goes your search for your God?"

"What's it to you?" she snorted back, fingers automatically making a grab for her umbrella...the one she'd lost to the train wreck. Fuck.

"I'm your tormentor, my dear," a black glove flourished gracefully at her. "It's my job...no, my PURPOSE, to ensure that you're doing the worst possible job achieving your goals and fulfilling your...ah ha, 'dreams'!"

"Fuck you."

"In due time, I'm sure." The grin completing these words wasn't just smug, it was downright creepy.

"Come on Jacqui," Heqet stepped in, placing her little hand on Jacqui's cheek - possibly the only thing presently restraining her from trying to high-kick Specter in the ribs. "We still have a quest to finish, and you can bet the ethereal blue glow of your soul we'll get a lot more done if we focus on the puzzle instead of talking to this raincloud in our sunbeams!"

"...what?" Specter placed a hand atop their heart, feigning shock. "You mean...you still haven't solved the puzzle I've left for you? YOU, the great and fearless Jacqui Bourdelon, whose Righteous Fists are the bane of Gods everywhere?"

The infuriated scorn on Jacqui's face told them everything they needed to know.

"...I must be better at my job than even I gave myself credit for!"

Jacqui spit on the floor. "Yeah, if your job is being a massive dickhole ass-nugget."

Specter politely folded their hands and gave a curt nod, such high praise approved.

...what a smug little douche, Jacqui thought back at the demon through narrowed eyes as she remembered her earlier conversation with Heqet. Kinda scary to think he--er, she? Whatever. They might be the one pulling the strings on this whole dream-simulation thing...which means my whole quest dealie was THEIR idea, not mine.

...it WAS Specter's idea, wasn't it? Specter was the one who suggested I go beat up God, not me. Right? ...yeah, I'm sure of it. So if Specter's pulling the strings, then that means they WANT me to make it to God's lair. They WANT me to succeed in my "quest"...

...so why the troublemaker attitude, then? What's the motive here?

"Ahem! If you're finished being insulted, Jacqui, I'd really like to continue preaching to my choir now!" Heqet prompted - rather very encouragingly - and took a leap from the shoulder perch back to the pulpit perch. "That's you, by the way! You're my choir in this metaphor!"

"Yes, please return to your little lessons," Specter agreed with a wave of dismissal. "I'll just stand over here in the shadows, trying quietly not to snicker at each unfortunate mistake your illustrious teacher makes."

"Making mistakes is a key fundamental of learning from them!" Heqet returned with a smile sharp enough to cut the stained glass of the window behind them. "Not that such advice would apply much to me anyway, since I'm already the most qualified expert on gods and spirituality present at this time!"

"Oh yes, I'd almost forgotten to commend the remarkable job you've done so far, leading your precocious student from one act of senseless violence to the next," came the reply, accompanied by a polite golf clap. "Do please regale me with tales of just how much she's learned tonight."

"Enough!" Jacqui finally interrupted, unable to bear watching Heqet not put Specter in their unholy place a moment longer. "Get off her case, you fucking vampire."

Specter simply grinned, imagination adding the bloodsucking fangs. "My dear, I'm afraid I can't just abdicate my responsibilities as your inner demon like that."

"Might wanna rethink that then," she threatened, snatching a candelabra from a nearby table. "Or this...whatever-it-is is goin' straight up your asshole."

"That sounds...physically improbable," Specter replied, eyeing the not-even-phallically-shaped device.

"Don't change the subject!" She choked up her hold on the weapon and took a fighting stance. "We're all out of clues and I'm all out of patience for your bullshit. It's time we got some REAL answers out of you."

"Jacqui, please," Specter said, suddenly serious. "I really do admire your commitment to fighting, but you don't have to accept everything I say as merely trash talk before a "throw down", as you call it."

...wait, what? She hesitated. Is this a trick? "I know I'm your sworn tormentor and troublemaker," the demon continued, "...but I can hardly take any joy in doing so if you never make any progress for me to undermine."

For the only-God-knew-how-many time that night, Jacqui raised an eyebrow. "...yeah, that's exactly what I'm talking about! You want progress? Then let's have it out! That's how this quest works, isn't it? I don't progress to the next part of the dream until I've solved a puzzle and had a fight scene, right?"

"Really now, Jacqui..." Specter tsked softly. "I don't like repeating myself, but it's clear you'll never grasp the straws I'm leaving out for you if I don't. My penchant for subtlety seems to be sending my little clues sailing right over the top of your curly-haired head."

"...what, are you callin' me stupid?"

"Jacqui is most definitely NOT stupid!" Heqet chimed in, gleeful to stick it to the demon by sticking up for her friend. "If she can keep up with MY penchant for absurd metaphors and accidentally specific references to her own culture that even I'M not aware I'm making, then she pretty much has to be a grade A genius, doesn't she?"

"Damn straight," Jacqui added, holding her hand up for a tiny froggy high five.

"Fine then," Specter cut in again, curt and short. "I can see I'll have to dilute my clues even further, so that even grade A geniuses can understand them."

"You've got eleven seconds before I make good on my promise to shove this candle-thing up your ass."

"Physically improbable," said Specter, enunciating each word with exact precision. "That means I strongly doubt you are even capable of such an act."

"Wanna fuckin' test your luck?" she fired back, rolling her wrist to get a feel for the weapon's swinging weight. "I'm undefeated tonight, and I move pretty damn fast for a fat girl!"

"Listen to yourself not listening to me," her enemy continued with a sigh. "I am your inner demon, Jacqui. Surely you must have deduced by now that I'm not a human like you. I'm a being of the supernatural. Do you really think you can sodomize the supernatural like you can a fellow human?"

There was a tiny, muffled snicker in the air before Jacqui answered. "...okay, so you're supernatural. You sayin' you're a ghost or something?"

"That's...a valid way of looking at it, I suppose," Specter conceded, not entirely buying it but eager to move the conversation forward for some reason. "Put two and two together, Jacqui. If I'm supernatural, then I transcend such limitations as physical matter. Just like the God you're looking for, I'm everywhere, and I'm nowhere. By definition, you couldn't attack me even if you tried."

"But!" the demon interrupted again, before either Jacqui or Heqet could respond, "...let's not limit the impact of this sudden game-changing revelation I've just bestowed upon you. Think bigger, if you will. Who else might be classified as supernatural, and thus immune to physical assault? I'll even give you a hint: this information is...mission critical."

Jacqui studied Specter's lack of face for another passing moment as she let the so-called game-changing revelation settle in. What the fuck is this asshole talking about? Supernatural...so God, then? God's supernatural and thus doesn't have a physical form, so there's no actual balls to kick when I finally meet him in--

...oh.

...well, fuck.

That was it, then, wasn't it? Check and mate. The die was cast, the entire conversation - and subsequently the quest itself - had been left utterly derailed and transformed beyond all measure. There were no responses left in the entire world that could undo the fatal blow to religious discourse that Specter had just driven home. The final nail in the coffin. The last straw. The murder she wrote.

...until Heqet opened her mouth to respond.

"...what about me, then?"

Specter snapped attention toward the frog, glare burning into her skin despite the undefined presence of eyes to glare with. "Yes, what ABOUT you?"

"What about me?" Heqet repeated, her own eyes gleaming over with the incorruptible determination of a sunrise heaven-bent on erasing shadowy demons from the very essence of existence. "If this world we're currently inhabiting isn't a dream, but religious figures and gods and spirits are still considered 'supernatural' and able to transcend physical limitations, then where do I fit in?"

Specter might have flattened an eyebrow. Judging by the pause, Jacqui might have almost assumed they didn't know quite how to answer the question. "...perhaps you're just a by-product of Jacqui's imagination? A 'dream', as has been said."

"Aha! But I clearly have a physical form!" Heqet argued back, the furnace of zeal stoked to blazing inside her. "You're suggesting that Jacqui can't finish her quest because the god she's seeking in this world has no physical form, by simple associative property of being supernatural! But if supernatural beings have no physical form in this universe, then why am I - wandering soul and spiritual guide sent by the Great Will of the Macrocosmic Universe - able to give Jacqui a tremendously physical high five?"

She wasn't sure about all the two-dollar words being thrown around up there, but Jacqui felt fairly certain that Heqet had just flipped the tables on the argument, and felt compelled to gloat on her behalf.

"Oooooh, busted!" Jacqui shouted, throwing a damning hand gesture at Specter's blank face. "You just got fuckin' DUNKED ON by a frog, ya goddamn shadow! Now what?!"

She carried on mocking the demon for a few additional seconds, running through a gamut of various catch phrases and hooting sound effects she'd picked up as a kid before Specter finally cleared their throat to address the apparent dunking they'd received.

"...now look at what you've gone and done. You've ruined the expert trouble I just worked so hard to create."

"Blatant lies are the easiest ones to disprove, O foolish demon!" Heqet croaked triumphantly. "I expected something far more challenging than that from the likes of you!"

Jacqui felt an exclamation mark pop up above her head like a red flag.

"I had really hoped to build more dramatic tension before revealing the next trick up my sleeve," Specter sighed, but slowly turned into their signature sparkling grin. "But I suppose the wheels are already in motion by this point, aren't they?"

"Sounds like it's time for the fight you were waiting for earlier, Jacqui!" Heqet replied excitedly, as if she had any other emotion to reply with.

"Please," Specter shot back, tugging their snazzy derby into place and taking a step away from the podium, eyes still locked with Jacqui's. "The next time you feel like 'dunking' on someone, don't forget what role they're playing in your dream."

She watched closely as Specter sidled up beside the stained glass window she'd forgotten to keep staring at. The mosaic image had definitely changed. The "Jesus" now hung nude above her, save for a mere loin tunic censoring the area she'd planned on targeting when she met him in person. From the cleavage point at which his rippling, sun-dried pectorals spread apart, his chiseled arms stretched outward, forming the image of a crucifix despite the lack of one physically erected behind him.

It was the most sexual image she'd ever seen in a church that wasn't featured in an age-restricted movie.

"I am your inner demon," Specter reminded her, a jet black hand hovering over the surface of the Jesus's ankle. "...and my one and only purpose in this world is to make trouble for you."

Both Jacqui and Heqet raised an eyebrow in unison, eyeing the window cautiously.

A single gleam sparkled off Specter's smile. "...and I'm very good at my job."

Their fingers glided smoothly over the tinted panes, and the whole mural appeared to ripple, as if the rain had finally begun to fall outside. Heqet perked up.

"Your killjoy spirit guide was right, God DOES have a physical form," Specter concluded, voice raising louder over a rumbling drone Jacqui hadn't realized she'd been hearing all this time. "Congratulations, Jacqui...you've finally reached the end of your great and mighty Quest."

"Hey!" Heqet shouted politely. "In some cultures it's considered extremely rude and unclean to steal another person's lines, and I've been waiting to use that one all evening!"

"You sought to find God," Specter continued, ignoring the frog and taking a step away from the window as it flashed with an even brighter rainbow brilliance. "And now...God has found you."

The hands slowly drifted downward from their cross positions.

"The End is Nigh," they proclaimed over the sound of glass groaning and cracking. "Your journey is finished...".

And the stained glass Jesus stepped down out of the window, thorns biting shards of red into his skull, puncture wounds bleeding them from his palms.

Jacqui's eyes lit up in anticipation. "...finally...".

"...Jacqui...?" Heqet asked, eyeing the Jesus suspiciously.

"We made it, Heqet!" she replied, tossing a triumphant fist in the air. "This is it! This is the part where I get to kick God himself right in the dick!"

And as the Jesus turned to face her directly, Specter smiled malevolently, tipping Jacqui with a flick of the derby before adding, in the cruelest and most decadent, genderless voice they could dredge up, "...may God have mercy on your soul."

The teal jacket faded into a shadow that the shimmering Jesus mosaic couldn't possibly have produced.

Jacqui planted her feet in sparring formation and raised her fists expectantly. Heqet clung tightly to shoulder point.

The Jesus slowly opened his eyes, revealing a faint glow of red light in each.

And they proceeded to fire two perfect crimson laser beams down upon them.