Period Piece

You are the Warrior.

And you are no longer alone.

The soft glow of the flames radiate comfort and courage as you embrace your hard-earned mouthful. Fire is the only company who may share the spoils of your victory this night. Though the wound may cry, you will yield it nothing. Misery is unwelcome in this, the moment you have taken for yourself from this cruel place, and re-cast in your own image of shelter and solace.

And yet, despite this momentary contentment, another's eyes glare in jealousy from the darkness beyond. The beast watches, its body invisible but its presence known, waiting for a moment of its own, when the fire's light fades and the shadows encircle its place. It thinks itself clever, biding time beneath the cloak of night until it can seize your moment, your victory.

Your life.

But you are the Warrior. Nothing can take from you what you have carved for yourself, lest it embrace the sweet death of your spear.

Jacqui shrugged and motioned toward the inviting glass door ahead of them, a remarkable twenty steps away from the similarly inviting glass door on the dorm building they'd just exited. This particular double glass door, framed by exquisitely lumbered cabin-style loggery, formed the forward portal to the known Purgatory of this universe.

...or at least to a coffee shop branded in neon above with the name "Purgatory Café". Heqet regarded this flashing sign with a suspicious curiosity.

"I don't mean to question your authenticity," Heqet added, staring ahead at the moody, low-glowing mouth of Purgatory, "...but you're positive this is the correct place?"

"Hey, you DID say a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step," Jacqui pointed out, leaning on her umbrella as her stomach tightened again. "So here we are. You're one for one so far."

She swore she heard an audible chime sound accompanying the smile that formed on Heqet's face. "And I'm so proud of myself I could kiss you! ...unless that's considered awkward by standard human conventions!"

"It...kind of is, yeah," Jacqui replied, guiltily imagining the smooth, leathery feeling of Heqet's lips against her own before shaking the image away with a shudder.

"Oh, I see...well then, I'll be sure to remember that for our future interactions!"

Jacqui wanted to add a snide and inappropriate remark just as they walked in so that everyone would freeze with a record scratch sound just like in the cartoons, but the moment she walked in the door, she became immediately flooded by the roaring drone of conversation. The entire café was stuffed wall to wall with students, one occupying every hand-crafted cedar chair at every ornate wood-burnt table from one lacquered log wall to the other, and not a single one of them wasn't engaged in the swarm of loud chatter.

Staggering from the sheer weight of such sensory overload, Jacqui's eyes swept from one side of the room to the other, trying to make sense of the noise. Every manner of nerd, young and old, dudebro and girly-girl, in every color under the sun, were all speaking their minds, using big words and condescending tones and exaggerated hand motions. Whatever they were debating, it was clearly something that had provided easy tinder for the sparks of contention.

Listening closer, trying to make some sense of the noise, she swore she heard bizarre phrases like "invisible pink unicorn" and "crystal dragon jesus", but the sheer drone of it all must have been interfering with her basic comprehension skills. Staying here for any notable length of time might very well liquefy her synapses.

Fortunately, there was at least one saving grace in this place that could snap her out of the delirium and back into sensibility. A lingering presence in the air that, upon entering her nostrils and registering itself in her brain's cognitive centers, immediately restored all manner of logic and rightness in this crazy, messed-up dreamworld...

Ahh, the inexplicable magic of roasted arabica and robusta beans...was there anything coffee couldn't do?

"So is it time to consult the Water of Life at the Fountain of Knowledge yet?" Heqet asked, hopping atop a stool made of glazed maple branches.

Pleasantly returned to her element, Jacqui nodded and slammed the counter with her palm. "Workin' on it. They only give wi-fi passwords to paying customers, so I gotta order somethin' first."

After taking a moment to appreciate the irony of ordering a venti medium roast vanilla drip with a shot of caramel and a shot of raspberry just to see if a dream could correctly simulate the flavor while she was still asleep, Jacqui realized no barista had appeared to take her order. She banged her palm against the counter again, louder, praying she wasn't also banging anything in the physical world as well.

"Oh, my apologies," said a skinny boy with a cappuccino foam complexion and a leftward swoop of vanilla hair, emerging from behind the espresso machine. "I appear to have been a little distracted after the incredible epiphany I just encountered."

"...epiphany?" Jacqui repeated, raising an eyebrow.

"A moment of unfiltered euphoria," he explained, making a head explosion hand motion. "In that perfect moment, I felt as though I'd connected my consciousness with the most fundamental cosmic particles of the universe itself, and understood what it has been trying to tell me all my life!"

"I can relate!" Heqet piped up, stretching up to lean on the counter. "We're currently on a quest for a very similar purpose, to discover what fundamental truth the universe wants us to know!"

"No we're not," Jacqui cut her off, pushing her back down with one finger. "We're here to order a drink and get on the wi-fi."

"Hey, overstimulation is still a valid method of seeking the truth," the barista continued, his delicious hazelnut eyes distant and somehow sparkling in the muted fluorescent lighting. "ALL methods are valid here."

"Alright, great, fantastic," Jacqui hurried him along, with plentiful hand rolling. "My method is a venti medium roast vanilla drip with a shot of caramel and a shot of raspberry, no foam, room for cream, thanks."

"Of course," he said, hands moving in precise, almost robotic motions as he continued gazing off in the same direction. "May it help you find precisely what you're looking for."

Jacqui gave him another studious look. His body said "I'm so good at my job I could do it in your sleep", but his face said "dude I am so fucking high right now". It wasn't his behavior that was throwing her for a loop, though. It was the fact that he didn't resemble anyone she knew, and she liked to think she was familiar on an almost intimate level with the Purgatory staff. If this was supposed to be a dream, then who the hell was he?

Who the hell were ANY of these people? And why were there so many of them here, at the coffee shop, in the middle of midnight, in a dream her own brain had concocted for her???

"Insomnia and thirst for closure, I suppose," the barista answered her nonchalantly, still not quite looking her in the eye as he continued to effortlessly add the correct ingredients to her order. "...and to think I too used to lie awake at night and think about these things before my power came back."

"...the fuck are you babbling about?" she asked, unsure if she'd been speaking out loud or if he'd been developing ESP. "Did everyone...lose power or something?"

"We ALL lost power the moment we first took those spiritual vows, forever consigning ourselves to the prison of organized religion," he continued, jerking his wrist back to stop the coffee at just the appropriate fill level. "What fools we must have been to think the answers could be confined to a single rigid system of beliefs...".

Jacqui stared blankly back at him, trying in vain to connect any of the dots the barista's words were forming. She turned to Heqet and raised a brow, pointing at him with her eyes.

Heqet shrugged amphibiously. "If I had to guess - and apparently I do have to! - I would assume that everyone has gathered here under this roof to discuss their respective personal religious beliefs!"

"...in the middle of the night?"

"Seems as good a time as any!"

"Well," she snorted, brushing off the notion with a flick of the wrist as she took the coffee. "Glad I don't need to worry about any of THAT bullshit."

The barista gave her a polite but hesitant nod. "Are you certain I can't interest you in an inspiring revelation about the nature of--"

"Bull. Shit." She waved the barista away dismissively, and like a voice-activated application that periodically reminded you about the dentist appointment you were supposed to schedule, he hushed up and faded into the background, probably to dream up another marvelous epiphany from behind his espresso machine.

"Ooh, I don't think I've ever heard of a religion that involves defecating cattle," Heqet sparkled eagerly, turning to face her. "Do tell!"

"Hup-up-up," Jacqui denied her, adding her desired cream. "Before we make this weird, let's take a moment to Google you."

"Uhm...well...okay, I suppose that's fine," she replied, somewhat nervously, somewhat excitedly. "...a-as long as you promise to respect the boundaries of my new frog body, please? I'm still getting used to the strange things it does on its own."

"What?" Jacqui stopped, accidentally splashing her coffee. "Oh, no, god, I don't mean like...I'm not gonna...y-y'know what, don't worry about it."

"Gosh, you sure are liberal with letting me not worry about things!" she replied with a smile. "It's such a relief to be dealing with someone who's got everything from human customs to religious beliefs completely figured out already!"

"Yup," Jacqui nodded, whipping out her phone from her hoodie pocket. "Nothin' to it but lazy agnosticism. Can't prove there IS a god, can't prove there's not. What's even to argue about?"

"Mmm, I see..." Heqet said, looking thoughtfully for a moment at a coffee ring on the counter before grinning back up at Jacqui. "Well, then I'm equally glad to inform you that you can officially graduate from agnostic to believer! After all, I've been sitting right here in front of you this whole time!"

"...yeah, and?" Jacqui took a sip of coffee, her phone flashing 3:33 AM as it powered up. The coffee tasted like a dream, which definitely means whatever you think it means.

"Weeeeell," Heqet drew the word out, rolling one froggy hand in prompt, "I'm the amphibian physical reincarnation of some unknown but very clearly supernatural deity, soooo...?"

"Soooo, soon as we narrow it down from a list of frog gods and figure out what you were famous for, I can rationalize who you're supposed to be in the real world and deal with you accordingly, so we can get our asses moving on this quest and save the princess and get married and rule the kingdom, or whatever my majestic reward is supposed to be!" Jacqui said with a thumbs up, as if it were really that easy.

"Do you really think it will be that easy?" Heqet pressed, as politely as anyone ever pressed.

"We're about to find out," came the reply as Jacqui took another sip of coffee. "Let's see what Wiki has to say about magic frogs."

"Ooh!" Her golden eyes lit up once more. "You think maybe I come from a Wiccan affiliation?"

"No, I mean like...the website."

"...like...spider webs?"

"Don't make me waste my whole lucid dream trying to explain modern technology to an ancient mysterious being who's never seen it before," she grumbled, going for another sip. "Fuck's sake, we already waste enough time doing that in real life...".

She tapped the screen impatiently as a wandering imagination convinced Heqet's attention to make another sweep around the coffee shop. Neither spoke while Jacqui waited for the browser to load, creating an awkward bubble of silence inside the constant buzz of chatter all around them. Fortunately, neither of them were in a hurry, and the crowd seemed to be largely ignoring them anyway. Of course, now that Heqet had gone and thought that, Murphy's Law was bound to show up out of nowhere to kick this quest right in the shins at any minute...

After an eternal abyss's worth of pause, frosted liberally with silent high-strung tension, entirely spent watching the tiny spinning "Loading..." circle make its infinite voyage around and around outside itself like the mighty Ouroboros, all clocking in at a ludicrous number of seconds well past the thirties, Jacqui finally groaned dramatically, "Ah shit, I forgot about the wi-fi password...".

"Yo barista boy!" she shouted, turning back toward the counter, but halting mid-spin when she noticed the newcomer now occupying the other stool beside her.

"...nice toad," said the portly, patch-bearded nerd, gesturing to Heqet as he took a sip of his own black coffee from a fancy gold-rimmed porcelain mug.

"...I'm not crazy," Jacqui replied automatically, immediately wondering how much he'd overheard.

"I'd never insinuate that you were, milady" he said calmly, adjusting the naturally classy white snapback fedora atop his head. Unless otherwise specified, Jacqui decided on the spot that she would refer to him as Fedora Chubsman. "...but I do hope I'm not the first one tonight to explain to you the dangers of using bufotoxins in your pursuit of higher knowledge."

"...boofo-what?"

"Toads can be very dangerous if you aren't acutely aware of which breeds are okay to lick," Fedora continued, in a concerned...no, a condescending tone.

"Heqet's a frog, not a toad," she corrected, her unfavorable opinion of Fedora Chubsman becoming quickly cemented. "And I'm not licking--".

"Getting high is a pretty serious matter as well," he breezed on, hardly even listening to her. "You see, contrary to popular belief, exposing your brain to such altered states of consciousness can actually cause an increased deterioration of brain cells, a risk that clearly outweighs any possible epiphany you could reach in the process."

She side-eyed Heqet for assistance, but the frog seemed naively interested in what he had to say.

"Topically, I was just discussing the deterioration of brain cells with the barista here," he gestured to the espresso machine. "Drugs may be good for a brief dopamine release, but at the expense of a developed addiction. An imagined, sustained need for such constant, artificial euphoria...and, as I so eloquently imparted unto him, organized religion is the most dangerous drug of them all."

It took several moments for his words to ferment in the air before Jacqui waved her hand in front of her nose to clear the noxious fumes they'd been emitting. She'd never known words could smell, but Mr Chubsman here had made it happen.

"...holy SHIT, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" she finally asked back.

"I would never," Fedora bristled in reply, as though he hadn't kissed his mother in twenty-five of his twenty-six years. "I'm not one of those Oedipal neanderthals who would sexualize his own mother like that. Once I finally took organized religion out of the picture, my mind was expanded to a level of intelligence entirely free of such basic, Freudian thoughts."

"Alright, alright, I get it, you can get off your own intellectual dick now," she replied, blissfully un-free of such basic, Freudian thoughts. "You were right again, Heqet, looks like the talk of the town tonight is religion, in all its self-sucking glory...".

"Well, that's not EXACTLY the way I--"

"Yes, it is. Please at least TRY to keep up," Fedora interrupted with a heavy sigh, running a hand over his face to compose himself. "To be more specific, all of us gathered here tonight are trying to rate which religion is best religion."

She pretended - well, almost not even pretended - to gag on her coffee. "I'm just gonna hazard a guess that whether or not I give a single flying fuck, your next line is about why YOUR religion is--"

"I've always believed in the power of logic, and the Red Pill Theory," Fedora preempted, staring meaningfully into the crowd as he stroked the fuzz running down the length of his neck. "And every time I question my beliefs, I always come back to what I've deduced as the constant truth: that a mandated, organized religion based on a single, supernatural lordship over all forms of life will only be used to exploit the ignorant sheep and limit their mental cognition. And that's how I came to believe in the infallible satire of the Flying Spaghetti Monster religion."

"Imma just cut you off there before you say something REALLY stupid," Jacqui replied shortly, shooing him away. "Now leave me alone and let me enjoy my dream coffee in peace."

Truth be told, she'd never really had ANY sort of deep conversation about religion with anyone before, least of all someone like Fedora Chubsman, and his words seemed to ring in a strange and inexplicable way that infiltrated her body deep beneath the skin, stirring up certain feelings she'd kept locked away in the deepest chambers of her body's innermost sanctums.

That is to say, this conversation had dredged up the wrenching uterine cramps she'd been trying to ignore this whole time.

"Why, what's YOUR religion?" he persisted. Heqet turned to face her expectantly as well.

"Don't have one. Go away."

"Ah, atheism? Nice." Fedora tugged the lip of his namesake headgear in approval. "I almost subscribed exclusively to atheism myself, before--"

"I didn't say that," she interrupted him, feeling her jaw tense up as she fumbled around below the edge of the counter for the handle of her umbrella. "I said I don't have one. Now fuck off."

"Oh...so you're still nothing more than a level-one agnostic, then?" he sighed, clearly disappointed. "And here I thought I might actually have finally found a girl who wasn't a total scrublord."

"Fuckin' pity, ain't it?" she growled, shifting uncomfortably as her innards continued their revolt. Heqet took a slight hop backward toward the Tips jar on the counter, eyeing the umbrella hand cautiously.

"You know, if you'd just listen to me, you'd understand exactly why it's so dangerous to remain an agnostic," he continued, ignoring her like a video advertisement on autoplay. "You see, being so willing to bend what you believe in weakens your strength of character and censors your freedom of speech...".

"YOU'D better censor your freedom of speech before I shove this umbrella up your asshole and open it!" Jacqui hissed, fingers tightly gripped around the hilt. "Back the fuck off!"

"Whoa, you mad, bro?" he asked, putting up his palms. "You PMS-ing over there?"

"YES I FUCKING AM!" she shouted, hopping to her feet despite the cramps. "BLOOD IS OOZING FROM MY VAGINA AND MY UTERUS IS IN SEARING PAIN, THANKS FOR ASKING!"

"Okay, geez, don't make me throw up over here," he spit out, his turn to gag on his own coffee. "You don't have to be such a frosty bitch, I just wanted to have a meaningful conversation with you. Too bad you let the period do all the talking...".

Heqet was glad she'd stepped back.

Holding the umbrella horizontal, Jacqui thrust the handle forward, butting Fedora hard in his stomach. As he doubled over and pitched forward, she caught him with a backhanded fist to the face, staggering him against the bar. And before he could defend himself, she pulled the umbrella back, and swung it around in a fancy arc against the back of his head, sending his body, his fedora, and all the surrounding barstools clattering to the floor in a heap.

And, knowing an opportunity when she saw one, Heqet leaned over and gently pushed his coffee off the edge of the counter, its scalding contents splashing artistically all over his torso.

Jacqui nodded, leaning on her umbrella as she struck a triumphant pose. "Rest in pasta, you flying spaghetti freak."