Space Pirate Mito

Holy fucking shit.

You ever just stumble across a series that you've never even once heard of that you found in a goddamn bargain bin at a second-hand game store, pick it up because it has a hot space vixen on the cover, then find yourself blown away by just how absolutely batshit it is?

My god do I ever miss the manic energy of Saturday morning cartoons.

Space Pirate Mito is an absolute TRIP of a series. Initially I was getting a zany, cartoony, almost Samurai Pizza Cats-esque vibe from it (especially watching it English-dubbed), with some occasional nods to a story of sorts. I ended up getting mood whiplash from the unexpected dives into mommy issues, interstellar war crimes, fighting against god herself, and the trans agenda in general.

It's going to take this entire review just to explain what's happening in this image.

I was going to try and summarize my thoughts, but I really want to just word vomit the whole plot on the page here instead, because there's an astounding amount of chaos to unpack and sift through, and it's ALL worth talking about if you like putting too much stock into your funny cartoons.

Strap in, this is gonna be a LONG review.

Better go pee now if you have to. I've heard holding it for too long can be dangerous for your health.

Let me set the stage real quick. Aoi is an average kid just like you, except his dad died and his mom is always away in New York, doing fashion photo shoots or something. Aoi's been getting along with no parental supervision just fine, but one day mom (Mito) says she's finally coming back to see him again for the first time in years, and just wants to spend time with him in the wake of losing dad.

Look, I know she's a total milf, but it's rude to stare.

But when she arrives, it turns out she's brought some enemies with her. Mito is being chased by the Galactic Police because she's a fucking space pirate, and the fashion magazines she sent as souvenirs were nothing more than a very elaborate hoax to cover for her misadventures in the cosmos.

Also, the mom in the pictures is a robot suit, and piloting it is Aoi's actual mom, a three foot pipsqueak of a humanoid alien.

Oh wait, she's a 300 year adult who physically resembles a little kid? Never mind.

Madcap shenanigans ensue as the Galactic Police, headed by a mysterious orb-headed figure by the name of Ranban and his two trusted preteen officers (siblings Masatsuki and Mutsuki) attempt to close in on Mito by cornering her son and using him as a bargaining chip. Needless to say, Aoi is not happy about all this space piracy ruining his normal human childhood, and can't bring himself to believe that Mito is really his mom (I mean, I get it, we all have the same biological questions regarding HOW, but Aoi feels like he's literally never met this pint-sized terror before in his life, and refuses to call her "mom").

Space crimes aside, what kid WOULDN'T want to live in a world with giant soda blasters?

What complicates matters is that Mutsuki - sent to Aoi's school as a "transfer student" in order to infiltrate - ends up crushing on him and eventually she and Aoi start dating, much to the dismay of her weird sister-complex brother. She starts to become unsure that she and Masatsuki are doing the right thing, creating a bit of a rift between them.

I absolutely love this recurring gag where Mutsuki starts sprouting mushrooms every time she had a bad day (with her angel wings).

Fair warning, from here onward I'll be blatantly spoiling every plot twist, because I just want to talk about WILD it gets.

See, partway through season 1, we learn that the real reason Ranban is tracking Mito is NOT to bring her to justice for her supposed space crimes, but because he wants to marry her. Also, under the cloak and orb is a robot suit nearly identical to Mito's, and inside THAT robot suit is another pipsqueak who looks pretty similar to Mito as well. Yep, Ranban and Mito are the same alien race, and have a long history with each other.

Absolutely baffling that these two are the same age, and it's NOT the age either of them appear to be.

Now here's the fun part. This alien race starts out genderless at birth, but by a certain age must "differentiate their sex" - i.e. pick a gender - or be excommunicated for failing to uphold tradition. As fate would have it, Mito was actually the Royal Queen herself, and became a woman during her Differentiation, but renounced this role to become a space adventurer instead.

Ranban, her childhood friend whom she promised to marry when the time came, was, for whatever reason, unable to Differentiate (Wouldn't? Couldn't? The show seemed a bit unclear on this). And despite screaming that he was a boy over and over, was locked away in a room in the castle to live in solitude as a cursed pariah.

It's kind of impossible to read this storyline without seeing a clear queer angle.

Banished to what amounted to a luxurious prison cell, Ranban was driven to anger and gathered support from his friends on the outside in order to stage a breakout, followed by a full-on coup. With the Queen decidedly absent during this time, both were successful, and Ranban forged a new identity for himself in a society that wouldn't let him have one. When word reached Mito, her reply basically amounted to "well, as long as he does a good job, what do I care?"

Dumbstruck and unsatisfied with this response, Ranban marked her as a criminal to give himself an excuse to pursue her as head of the Galactic Police, and capture her to demand she keep her promise to marry him.

Yeah, yeah, I've seen those warriors from Hammerfell. But they've got nothing on this guy.

The trans angle really shines through when you consider that Ranban still looks and sounds feminine, both inside the exosuit and out, and only has a masculine voice while wearing the orb helmet and robe. But even without the new outfit, everyone still refers to him as "he", and the English dub respects this without making a big deal out of it. That's pretty cool if you ask me.

It's always better to simply ask someone which pronoun to use rather than grope around in the dark trying to figure it out for yourself.

...which brings us to our next point. Aoi is Mito's half-human son. Knowing nothing of his alien heritage and having only a mysterious amulet left to him by his father - as a present from his mother - Aoi grew up as a normal human boy showing absolutely no sign of extraterrestrial powers or attributes. He doesn't burn when exposed to water or sprout mushrooms if left in the sun for too long like Ranban's henchmen, and he's of normal human teen height compared to his ankle-biter of a mother. But now, caught in the crossfire of this cosmic cacophony between a rebel runaway and her scorned suitor, it's revealed that Aoi is unwittingly harboring the key to saving the day.

Not even the mysterious sexy morally ambiguous nurse could have seen this one coming.

Mito and Ranban both pilot one of the two Royal Spaceships, which together can be merged to form The Sword, the most powerful weapon in the galaxy, capable of obliterating entire planets. Knowing that Ranban might try to take advantage of this in his quest to track her down, Mito reconfigures the computer systems to only recognize Aoi as the biological key to this engine of destruction.

All the while, Aoi is beside himself trying to understand any of this. Despite Mito's pleas to let her back into his life, he continues distancing himself further and further from her because he's a burgeoning teenager and can't seem to process that everything he's ever known was a lie. He's a good-natured kid at heart, but it's hard to just suddenly accept that his mom is a space-faring alleged war criminal who gave up her right to Queendom to fall in love with a human on earth and...wait a minute...

I wonder if Rebecca Sugar ever watched Space Pirate Mito?

A sexier, sillier take on Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl from an alternate timeline? I'm game.

So anyway, during the climactic showdown between Mito and Ranban for the fate of this backwater planet known as Earth, Aoi is roped into the conflict and The Sword is formed. Aoi just needs to activate it so it can be used to stop Ranban's army...but there's one last hiccup. Unbeknownst to him, Aoi hasn't "decided" on a gender yet. His dormant alien DNA has been awakened due to his situation, and the computer refuses to recognize him until he "differentiates his sex" first. Of course, Aoi doesn't know what this means. He's never questioned his gender before, and doesn't know what this would even mean for a half-human anyway.

In a desperate move to make something happen, Mito bizarrely tries to kiss him in an effort to "wake him up" and force his body to activate. Obviously this doesn't work because Aoi doesn't have an Oedipus complex. But there is someone else who can try. Since they're all about to die, Mutsuki decides to shoot her shot and confesses her love to Aoi. The crush is mutual, the crowd is watching, Ranban's cannons are counting down to destruction, the entire world is ending, and the teenagers finally kiss.

If we're all gonna die anyway, might as well give 'em a show to remember, eh?

And right on cue, the system activates. Hormones do their thing and Aoi's alien biology makes its choice, satisfying the computer's requirements. The Sword is activated, Ranban's army is defeated, the world is saved, Mito and her pirate crew escape, and Aoi is rushed into medical care.

And just when everyone is about to laugh off their harrowing ordeal and end the season on a victory, one of Aoi's classmates makes one final important discovery. Without any fanfare to speak of, Aoi has boobs now. That's right, the big dramatic moment of Mutsuki confessing her love in an attempt to Make Him A Man actually Made Him A Girl, and you can read into that any way you please.

Read 'em and weep, ladies.

Finally, as Mito's child, Aoi is officially next in line to be the Queen - for all intents and purposes, queen of the universe - but, having still renounced her own claim to Queendom, Mito just sits back in her pirate ship and makes Aoi do it instead. Mutsuki remains unperturbed by Aoi's new gender, and vows that one day she'll truly be able to "make her into a man", whatever that even means at this point. Aoi's classmates are confused but happy for her regardless, especially unrequited love triangle insert Kafuko, who comes out to announce that this new Aoi is now her IDEAL love interest. The gays just keep winning!

And all of this madness is just the FIRST season. Season two, subtitled "A Pair of Queens", offers EVEN MORE chaos.

The stakes are bigger than ever, just like Aoi's new boobs.

While Aoi is learning to accept her new life as a girl, an alien, and now Queen of the fucking universe, a new villain arises in the form of the ghostly Hikari, another member of the same alien race, who refers to herself as the Original Queen. She was apparently summoned back to life by a multi-billion year old cult of religious zealots in the wake of an empty throne (since Mito abdicated, Ranban left to pursue her, and Aoi rules exclusively from Earth), and now seeks to destroy Mito and Aoi, the "False Queens".

Don't be fooled by the cute act, this girl is a fucking BRAT.

Unfortunately for her, she can only do so much without a physical body. Though her spirit has been awakened and she can interact with this world, she claims to need a physical body and the Royal Family's three sacred treasures before she can get back to her true strength. And if she succeeds in acquiring all of these things, her power will be supposedly unstoppable.

This is because over the course of the season, it's revealed that Hikari is actually the original god that created this entire universe. Essentially growing up as an omnipotent only child, Hikari was a selfish brat who got everything she wanted by creating universes out of nothingness and then simply destroying them when she got bored. Her reign of terror only ended because she was put into a deep sleep billions of years ago by the only person she ever loved - the yang to her yin - some guy named Akitsu.

Mark my words. Tea party today, tea bagging tomorrow.

Eventually, after learning that Queen Aoi used to be a boy, Hikari believes Aoi MUST be the new reincarnation of her would-be husband. Back in her time, Hikari ruled the universe entirely on her own whims, destroying people and entire planets who disagreed with her. Akitsu, the only other being like herself that she ever met, began to listen to the pleas of the people and eventually rejected Hikari for her cruelty, leaving her to stew in her own anger and loneliness.

Blinded by her short-sighted only-child pettiness, Hikari assumed that her only option to make Akitsu love her was to simply destroy everything so that he would have no one else to listen to BUT her. Naturally, this didn't work, and Akitsu used HIS power to send Hikari into a deep sleep. Was it because even a god couldn't kill another god, or because part of Akitsu wanted to love her back? Probably a little of both.

Pro-tip: no matter how sad they are, don't serve alcohol to minors. Unless they're 300 year old aliens who just LOOK like children. You should probably card them just to be safe.

Fast forward to present day, and everything is playing out exactly the same way. Hikari demands that Aoi - whom she is utterly convinced is the new Akitsu - simply forsake her subjects and love her, and Aoi's refusal to obey mirrors Akitsu's, almost word for word, triggering the same violent reaction from Hikari that then kicks off another cosmic war for this season.

Sometimes violence is less of an answer and more of a question people ask to see what the response will be.

Mito races off to find the sacred treasures before Hikari does, leaving Aoi on earth to fend for herself as Queen. Mutsuki, struggling to accept her new lot in life as Aoi's bodyguard and would-be girlfriend, gets taken hostage during a training montage, and while everyone is out searching for her, Hikari reveals a new secret weapon for turning everyone against Aoi. In true anime fashion, it's hypnosis lipstick.

Is it gay in here or is it just me?

After forcing herself on Mutsuki to use as a host body, she then uses Mutsuki's body with the lipstick as bait for the lovestricken sister-complex idiot Masatsuki, and then proceeds to kiss nearly everyone else in the city into submission, except for what's left of Mito's crew, and a few select freedom fighters. One of which, surprise surprise, is our good buddy Ranban.

Now at some point, Ranban - set free to help atone for his criminal actions in season one - explains that the reason he is so powerful is because he never Differentiated. Apparently when his race Differentiates, they lose access to certain incredible powers, and that Hikari is the entire reason their race started the whole tradition of ostracizing those who failed to pick a gender. Specifically, because remaining genderless would give anyone access to the same near-limitless powers that SHE had, if they ever got their hands on those three sacred treasures.

Her lips are red, she's the queen, she's such a scream...

This is all told in a bit of a roundabout way, but here's my interpretation. The whole tradition of Differentiating is rooted in marriage. This show - especially in season two - loves using binarism and yin/yang philosophy as its main theme. Picking a gender in this show is essentially just a gateway to marriage; promising to love someone forever, and relinquishing your limitless power to do so. It's essentially a ceremony of giving up your selfish godhood as a promise that you'll never use it to hurt the one(s) you love.

Effectively, this makes nonbinary and genderless people gods. Which, of course, we already knew, but at least this show recognizes that fact.

Everything is written to sound very boy/girl to reflect the yin/yang theming, but at no point does the show shy away from making the boy a girl or a girl the boy, suggesting that it's only a theme, not an ironclad rule. Akitsu and Hikari are reflected in Mito and Ranban, and again in Aoi and Mutsuki, and each pair flips the gender expectations a bit. And rather than focus on these gender swaps as a curse or a gimmick a la Ranma ½, Space Pirate Mito simply embraces them as just another fact of life, and genuinely makes an effort not to dwell on it. That kind of honest, earnest storytelling is pretty rare to behold, so I really wanted to highlight that.

Sometimes you're just a guy inside a girl inside a guy, and that's all there is to it.

Ultimately, season two is about Hikari being forced to answer for the tradition that started after she was put to sleep. Hikari never learned to give up her selfishness, and sought to earn Akitsu's love by force, destroying entire worlds in the process. She was so afraid of being hated that it blinded her ability to understand what she was even doing.

Meanwhile, Mutsuki - still conscious inside her mind even though Hikari is in charge of her body - learns that she can speak to Hikari's subconscious, and quickly picks up on the fear she's been feeling. Knowing a thing or two about love herself, she tries to encourage Hikari to be honest with her fears and her feelings. And between Mutsuki's whispered words of advice and Aoi's staunch devotion to protecting her people, this finally brings forth the sleeping spirit of Akitsu himself, whose mere presence is enough to calm Hikari down and make her listen to what's being said. It's not just The Power of Love that wins this battle, it's the Power of Realizing What Love Actually Is.

Needless to say, for a wacky Saturday morning cartoon, this whole season got surprisingly poignant and left a pretty powerful impact on me.

It's hard to put into words, but this shot of Hikari's subconscious after finally listening to Akitsu's words really stuck out to me.

Okay. After all that, here are some final thoughts.

I can see a lot of people not vibing with this show for its inconsistent tone and bouts of mood whiplash. It's decidedly very cartoony, and has a lot of silly shenanigans paired up with a pretty epic story. You could reasonably show this to any kid age seven and up (there are some occasional scary moments and I think a bit of visible blood, but nothing substantial), but much like Steven Universe, it's a show that can be heavily appreciated by older audiences as well. Despite what seems like a Random Robot of The Week gag early on, this is a fully serial show dedicated to telling the whole story, and you have to be willing to accept that the slices of life in between the bigger moments are an integral part of that.

Learning that the teacher is an elite ninja warrior means NOTHING if you don't see the humble beginnings from which she starts off.

As far as recommendations go, the aforementioned Steven Universe is an easy pick, since aside from sharing many plot and tone similarities, both will knock you on your ass if you go in blind and let yourself get immersed. For a space adventure with a little less zaniness, try The Galaxy Railways. For something loosely similar with a more adult punch, you can't go wrong with Space Dandy. And of course, if you rather enjoyed the zaniness and want something about aliens on earth but even MORE unhinged (and if you somehow have never watched it), give Invader Zim a chance. Like the early episodes of Mito, it's extremely goofy but hits on some delicious sci-fi concepts in the process.

Anyway, in closing, Space Pirate Mito is easily one of my favorite things I've watched in recent years. Maybe even in many years. I'm actually tempted to call this one of my ALL-TIME favorites. It caught me so off-guard that it completely obliterated my expectations for it in the best way possible, and clearly speaks to just about every neuron in my lizard brain, and that's the hallmark of an instant classic for me.

My luck with blind bargain bin buys just continues to impress me!

Poor little gay Kafuko, still trying to process how Aoi ended up with bigger boobs than her.