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Magic Woman M
 If Uriah Heep had seen what anime wizards were getting up to, they might have written their hit song a little differently. We need more RPGs wherein the heroes bang the monsters instead of just slaughtering them. And I don't just mean those games where if you lose a battle your whole squad of anime girls get fucked by the demon horde, I mean like...well, you'll see. A title that I frequently reference in other 18+ reviews, Magic Woman M is a short 2-episode hentai OVA from 1997-98 produced by Critical Mass video, the adult label formerly owned by Rightstuf (rest in peace, beloved) before the company was folded into Crunchyroll (which was subsequently acquired by Sony) and was eventually sold elsewhere. They've distributed a good number of porn titles I've reviewed recently - F-Force and Hooligan in particular - and often sell various fantasy-themed hentai titles in DVD combo packs together, which is probably why I so frequently associate them with one another.
 What is the point of wearing cute panties other than to hope someone accidentally gets an eyeful of them? Magic Woman M subscribes to the classic Dungeons & Dragons story format, tailing the exploits of one young wizard, a girl named Meruru Sheckle, on some kind of quest for a holy book. Granted, we don't actually learn much about the nature of this quest until the latter half, and as you may have suspected, the bulk of the OVA is not centered around that quest anyway. Naturally, the primary focus of its two episodes is simply watching our wizard get fucked by monsters and - eventually - unleashing hell upon them in the form of magical retribution. I'm going to start adding this to my other hentai reviews, but here's a short list of content warnings (or potential turn-ons?) for Magic Woman M:
Consider yourself armed with knowledge so you can either avoid this title or dig the fuck in.
 I don't know about you, but tentacles ALWAYS do it for me. After a weirdly wordy world-building intro to clue us in on the definitely-relevant fictional calendar year and exact geographic location this fantasy takes place in, episode one begins by introducing us to our young wizard hero (Meruru) out traveling the country roads alone, heading toward a small village near the mountains. As if to immediately remind the viewer that children should not be present while watching this, we are greeted with the wonderful sight of scattered dead bodies, complete with spilled guts and exposed brains. A horrible carnage has taken place here, and it seems a brutish hairy ogre is the culprit. Searching for answers, Meruru meets up with a young warrior (Luna) who's been stripped and tied to a tree, and after setting her free, learns that she's searching for her sister, who set out recently to confront and kill this ogre. Apparently he's quite infamous around these parts, and has been seen fucking and then eating the young women of the village (and presumably just eviscerating the men on sight because he's a homophobic prick). Meruru offers her magic services to help track the monster down and put an end to his reign of terror.
 Try not to imagine how much boob-window armor would hurt to wear. Per her insistence that she's a "proficient-level" magic user, Meruru is supposedly quite a powerful young wizard, but her spells always seem to fizzle or backfire once cast. It doesn't help that each one also seems to require an extremely long incantation to channel its energy, making them even less impressive when they inevitably fail. Aside from giving her a cutesy-clumsy angle to her personality, this ultimately leads to trouble when her enemies can see the ineptitude shining through her otherwise imposing aura as a magic user, and take advantage of that fact by trying to take advantage of her. If only any of them knew the real truth of the matter... When Meruru is later separated from Luna and captured by the ogre, her spells predictably fail and she is promptly thrashed and ravaged, just like Luna's sister (Tia) before her. Fortunately, rather than chow down on her immediately, the ogre decides to cage her up with the other maidens he's captured, as if building up a fuck-or-feed backlog for the winter or something. The next morning, when he picks Meruru for his pleasures, she pulls a fast one on him with a simple illusion cantrip, and escapes nudely into the forest. Unamused, the ogre shakes off the fairy dust and clambers after her, opting for just one more fuck before deciding she's too much trouble to keep alive and would be better served as breakfast. Forunately, help is not too far away.
 I wonder if anyone's done a Nickelodeon themed porn parody about getting slimed, but in this manner? During both of their sexual encounters, Meruru attempts to cast a high-level destruction spell to save herself from the ogre's grabby hands and throbbing cock, but of course, they all fail. All throughout this first episode we are treated to random pop-up bubbles from another, much older wizard - Meruru's teacher or master, it would seem - who bizarrely offers commentary and context for what's happening onscreen. Apparently he's been watching Meruru's journey in his crystal ball and laments that although she is powerful, these non-consensual events she's experiencing simply must be "endured" in life, as though it's all just part of being a wizard. He won't quite specify the logic behind it, but it's not hard to guess what he means if you think about it long enough. Having finally tracked them down, Luna prepares to rescue her new friend and takes point in the bushes, waiting for her opportunity to heroically jump in for the rescue. But something about the spectacle causes her to hesitate in fear. Oh no, wait, my bad. She hesitates because watching Meruru get fucked by a giant ogre makes her extremely wet. She whispers an apology and starts fingering herself as she utterly fails at being a good support or tank, just so she can get one good nut off before committing to her knightly duty.
 No, really! It's not "selfish", it's just "tactical"! Right before the ogre can chomp Meruru's head off, Luna leaps forth from the bushes and stabs him in the back with her tiny butter knife of a sword, drawing his attention to her. He tosses Meruru aside and makes his move to either eat Luna out or rip her in half, but doesn't get his chance, as Meruru's spells suddenly activate. A flaming meteor falls from the sky atop the monster, and when that isn't quite enough to put him out of commission, a bolt of lightning strikes him as well, rendering him nothing more than a smoldering heap. It would seem the missing ingredient to Meruru's magical power has been revealed. As if it could be anything else, the secret is that her spells require some form of sexual stimulation before they can take effect, like a meter that must fill up before the action is cast. At least, that's how I interpreted the master wizard's cryptic commentary about her being special and her beautiful body being a rare gift. It would explain why the spells seem to backfire, or only get cast after a delay, namely AFTER she's been fucked silly. Not exactly a convenient way to fill a mana gauge, but it's certainly a fun contrived mechanic for making sex happen! That said, it does also bring up an interesting question. The master wizard at one point alludes to also having to go through the same type of experiences himself. Did he mean sexual encounters in general, or the same type of rape-y situation that Meruru faced? And what does that say about him? Unclear, and unanswered in this OVA, so we'll have to use our imaginations on that one. Hmm. Anyway, onto the second episode.
 I'd have been more impressed with Sephiroth's meteor spell if he too had cast it in the nude. Operating on what I'm assuming was a much tighter budget, episode two relies heavily on slow-pan stills to tell the "story" part that connects its two major features: the sex scenes. Meruru meets up with another adventuring party - a standard RPG caravan with what appears to be a paladin, berserker, priest, and monk - and accompanies them on their pilgrimage to locate and study a certain holy book from a faraway land. Any time the party is not getting fucked by monsters, it runs like a slideshow of sorts, depicting the party trekking together across the land, fighting battles, making camp, and getting to know each other. I get that porn-with-plot isn't everyone's cup of tea - especially to what purpose most hentai generally serves - but it's something I'd certainly enjoy more of! The sex scenes in question start with Meruru rescuing the party from a horde of alien slugs who want to impregnate the women of the group (because of course they do), then pick up again post-slideshow once the party reaches a raging river they aren't sure how to cross. While brainstorming ideas, a pack of what I'm assuming are sahuagins (the fucky fish-men that show up in D&D and Final Fantasy games and The Shape of Water) sneak up and - predictably - kidnap Meruru and the priest (Freni), stealing them away to their cave for obvious illicit reasons.
 I'm so thankful for the universal notion of giving fish people deliciously caked-up asses. What then follows is a long gangbang scene wherein the sahuagins excitedly gather 'round and unleash their beaded ovipositors upon their prey, again eager to impregnate human women for some strange reason (maybe there aren't any female sahuagins left? Or maybe they're all agender and rely on parasitic impregnation of other host creatures? These are the real questions, people). Supposedly the implanted eggs will end up devouring the host from the inside when they hatch, so it's important that all three sahuagins cum as many times as possible to inject their eggs into their prey while also having good dirty fun with it in the process. Naturally, Meruru's attempt at casting a defensive spell fails again - this time, she assumes, because she lost her staff in the river during their capture - and allows the callipygian fish folk to have their way with her and Freni. But eventually, the rest of the party manages to catch up, and with Meruru's sex-o-meter at full capacity, once the party brings her staff within range of her body, the spell activates and mutates one of the sahuagins into a powerful chimera who proceeds to violently dispatch the other two before dissipating into bloody chunks due to its own excess of power. Meruru tells Freni not to worry about the impregnation, as she has some kind of birth control potion in her possession for just such an occasion. And with the party reunited, the OVA wraps up neatly with another slideshow of the heroes successfully making their way to their destination, locating the holy shrine with the book in question, and getting their chance to study it. How nice!
 One thing animated porn will always have over live action stuff is its more extreme use of cinematic angles and unusual viewpoints, especially where monsters and fantastic situations are concerned. Before the credits roll though, a short little bonus scene plays out to show off Meruru casting the Fireball spell as she did against the ogre. As if needing orgasmic energy to power her magic wasn't difficult enough, casting even a "simple" fireball requires an extremely verbose incantation. You could argue that these long chanting scenes merely act as episode padding, but given that hentai OVAs are not beholden to TV standards and can technically be any length the producers want (or can afford) them to be, I don't think that's necessarily the case here. Personally I found them oddly charming, like a cute quirk to balance out the roughness of the sex scenes. For reference, here's the full (English dub) transcript of the spell as it appears in the episode: "Hear me! Hear my voice, and answer me! Cloaked in red and a banner of blue like the beasts of fury, commanding great power and good fortune upon me, but then only to take it away! Broadening the power deep within, the ones which bring to focus! Thou great power of meritorious deeds, the glory of thee and your supreme valor! Bring to me once again that which was fulfilled in the past! Grant me the power! In this moment in which I possess the wisdom, thou shalt strike down the repugnant and soulless scourge! To the spirit of Ignis and Frama, I need your power! Gather forth in this place and show me your supreme valor! Let me be your sword! Evoke Ignis! Fireball!"
 We all could use a little hype wizard cheering us on in our daily endeavors. So, all told, this is a pretty straightforward and even somewhat cute monster-fuckin' porno with hints toward a more interesting story, but no meat to it. This one is all decadent dessert. And as far as porn goes, if you're into monsters and peril, it's quite good overall, though that comes with the stipulation that you're okay with it being explicitly non-consensual (at first). To reiterate, it gets noticeably bloody at times, especially when the ogre pops Meruru's cherry. I feel compelled to point out here, for those not already in the know, it's NOT SUPPOSED to bleed when you have sex - not even on your first time - and if that's happening, it means the penetrator in question is too dry or too rough (or in Meruru's case, also too big). This is unfortunately commonly touted as fact in many cultures (especially ones where sex ed is lacking), and an altogether too common occurrence in hentai particularly. If you didn't know, now you do! On a lighter note, if you're like me and make the (generally correct) decision to watch your animated porn dubbed in English, it's a bit less intense (and sexy) overall, but the comical "bad porno" delivery is worth the trade in my opinion. The ogre speaks in growled broken english with a bit of a lisp, while the sahuagins have more of an 80s cartoon henchmen voice, giving us delightfully dumb lines like "C'mon Gary, let us have a go at her!" Meanwhile, Meruru and Freni masterfully demonstrate the uninspired porno moan every time they emote fear, coming off like people recording their lines in someone's basement apartment who can't be too loud, lest the nosy neighbors hear them and start knocking on the door. Know that I say this with no offense to the actual VAs, but I love that shit.
 Shoutout to every hentai dub voice actor who didn't want to use their real name in the credits. I love you, "Wendy Talker" and "Holly Bobbit". But yeah, overall, not too shabby. A bit rapier than I'd prefer, but the advantage of fiction is knowing that it's not real, and that it's okay to find non-consensual sex hot within a fictional context. The monster designs are appropriately fucky, whether you're into hairy beasts, scaly fish-men, or slug tentacles, and for its 57 minute runtime, there's only a vague semblance of story to get in the way of doing what you need to do while watching. My only complaint is the extremely sparse background music. The entire 7-minute sahuagin gangbang scene is entirely devoid of music save for some light cave ambience, leaving you with nothing but grunts and moans and henchman banter. If that works for you, more power to ya, but I would have preferred a little extra spice for flavor. Hmm...you know what, I'm actually considering the idea of writing my own musical score for that scene now. Might be fun! For more hentai numbers like Magic Woman M, you can't go wrong with other fantasy-driven titles from Critical Mass Media. In particular, I think this one goes hand-in-hand with F-Force, another RPG-inspired monsterfucker title, though one with decidedly more of an attempt at story along the way. Other easy recommendations include Dragon Pink and La Blue Girl, but if you'd rather watch something less explicit, you could always try cheeky fantasy titles like the ever-boobular Queen's Blade or Devil Hunter Yohko.
 It's not IMPOSSIBLE to decouple pregnancy from horror, but it really is such a bizarre and alien process when you think about it. At the very least, it totally tracks why we made such a connection between the two to begin with. In closing, there is part of me that wishes something like Magic Woman M could be harnessed into a full series. The sheer vibe of being a vagabond wizard traveling across the land in search of some deeper arcane knowledge or cosmic truth, helping out random strangers along the way by lending them your unfathomable magical powers, is something that really resonates with me on a personal level. Maybe it stems from the fact that I'd just really like to move away from the more "scholarly" stereotype of wizards, especially in a school setting (in case I haven't said it recently, fuck you, J.K. Rowling). Throw in some nasty encounters with hot fuckable monsters, and add the gimmick of being able to cast magic only once sexual energy has reached a certain peak? Hot damn, I'm SOLD. I'd watch a hundred shows like that without ever missing the fantasy high school setting. If you know any series like that, by all means, shoot them my way!
 This is exactly what I look like when I'm running away from all my problems. More hentai coming in the pipeline soon. Until then, keep those fingers nice and warm, right where they belong, my filthy friends!
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