Hooligan

Sex is an inherently funny thing. It's a weird physical transaction full of awkward movements and goofy noises, and there are countless silly ways to refer to it, including personal favorites like "the horizontal mambo" and "bumping uglies". Why on earth some people insist on exclusively treating intercourse as some kind of reverent and sacred act of intimacy that should never be made light of is a mystery to me. There is no reason we shouldn't view sex as the comical experience it is, nor should we be made to feel bad for enjoying explicit porn comedies.

That said, I'm here today to talk about Hooligan, a stupid-ass two-episode fever dream of a hentai anime that isn't exactly the most shining example of all this, but also isn't on the wrong track.

Missed opportunity not to name the main character "Dildo Daggins", considering his trusty weapon is a dildagger.

The year is 1996X (that's pronounced "nineteen ninety-sex", naturally). Our protagonist - some random college dude named Yukito - is having himself a nice little wet dream about his classmates when he is rudely interrupted by a weird little chibi bunny spirit named Isao. He awakens to find himself at a strange shrine in the woods, with what can only be described as a dildo with a hilt mysteriously clenched in his hand. Isao tells him that time and space have gotten completely "mumbo-jumboed up" and tasks him with collecting the seven dragon balls holy dildos so he can use their power to reset things back to normal.

Locating the dildos is the easy part, since they'll naturally be drawn to one another by the powers that be. The kicker is that Yukito isn't the only one seeking to collect these powerful objects of desire. It seems to be common knowledge that these mystical toys contain untold power over time and space, meaning everyone will be fighting to reclaim them from one another. But although they're shaped like tiny swords, battles are unfortunately not fought like battery-powered lightsaber duels. No, conveniently Yukito only needs to fuck each wielder into submission to force them into giving up their prized phallic possession.

The fact that a college boy must outperform each of his opponents by outlasting their "attacks" and maintaining enough stamina after cumming multiple times that he can turn the tables and overpower them in the end proves that this is definitely a fucking fantasy.

Right from the get-go, Hooligan quickly establishes that it has no interest in story or plot, and that its only desire is to be funny. There is no underlying emotional core or big payoff at the end, this is very much a what-you-see-is-what-you-get production. Honestly, the wacky tone and edgy explicitness of the show made it feel very much like a time capsule of Newgrounds or CollegeHumor back in the early 00s. The show's humor mainly relies on Yukito being a somewhat likeable asshole and frequently breaking the fourth wall with sarcastic and self-aware comments directed at the audience.

The story continues as we watch Yukito "fight off" a pair of ninjas dildo-domming two of his classmates, only for him to proceed to finger them both himself, claiming two easy sacred relics in the process. Isao scolds him for his brazenness and old man jokes, but also can't complain in the face of progress. It seems Yukito's boundless youthful energy and bottomless perverted desires are what will ultimately restore the universe to its original and rightful order.

In another life, Yukito probably could have made good money as a plumber.

The rest of the story is even more nonsensical. Yukito's girl-next-door friend Hiromi shows up in a sentai-style superhero getup and magically takes their next encounter to the moon, where the two ninjas' identities are revealed after Hiromi recognizes the scent their shampoo. After what feels like an eternity of random nonsequitur jibber-jabber between the characters and a bizarre improvised song about said shampoo, Hiromi decides this whole scene is stupid and dips out with her holy weapon in tow to leave Yukito to his destiny.

Dispatching one opponent by using the untapped shadow clone jutsu power of his sacred toy to one-man-gangbang her into submission, and the other by...honestly, I have no idea what the fuck dressing up like a cat and taking glamorous photos is all about (probably some kind of pun that doesn't translate or an oddly specific anime reference that the translators just decided to completely trash), Yukito finally chases after Hiromi, as he's still going to need her magical relic to complete his quest. But, acting on the advice of a cloaked stranger offering to fix the timeline in exchange for his defeat, Hiromi decides to flip the script and jumps Yukito by transforming her dildo into a pufferfish-shaped fleshlight, hoping to overwhelm his poor little dick and abscond with the other dildos in the process.

No joke, the shampoo bit goes on for a full 60 seconds, which should tell you all you need to know about this show's sense of humor and budget.

Of course, none of these special attacks and techniques serve to actually dissuade Yukito from counter-attacking with his own devious onslaught. Acting on his professed love for her in an attempt to lower her defenses, Hiromi eventually gives herself up to pleasure and surrenders her treasure(s) to him. With six dildos in tow, that just leaves the mysterious masked stranger, who conveniently steps forth from the shadows at that very moment to taunt him about it. Recognizing her by the size of her tits (and the fact that she's significantly older than all the other story players), Yukito unintentionally forces her to reveal her identity as the school nurse, whose own failed science experiment provided the catalyst for this whole nonsensical predicament in the first place.

The final battle takes place in a massive arena; a public spectacle complete with play-by-play commentary from Isao and every one of his previous opponents watching from the audience. Unfortunately for Yukito, his shadow clone justu is no match for the sheer power of the nurse's milfy wiles. Wrapping him up in a cum coccoon with the power of her magic fuck toy, she proceeds to unleash a variety of masterful cock-stimulating moves to drain his energy bit by bit, demanding he throw in the towel and hand over his collection of sacred artifacts. Unable to move and quickly fading with every expert stroke of her fingers, it seems Yukito may finally have met his match.

Too bad Nintendo already stole the name "Splattershot" for Splatoon, otherwise the makers of Silly String could have had a real hit product on their hands in the world of adult toys.

It is of course through that familiar anime staple, the power of friendship and encouragement from those he's already fucked up to this point, that Yukito is able to borrow the strength of his fuck-buddies and break free of the nurse's sensual grasp and, just as the lyrics to their improvised cheer song spur him to, fuck her in the ass to victory. As she cries his name in submission and relinquishes her own holy dildo, Yukito steps forward to claim victory, only to find that the other six dildos have gone missing during the fray. The OVA ends with him chasing after Isao, who thanks Yukito for doing the dirty work so that HE can be the one to rule time and space instead.

As a result, this means the entire OVA takes place in nothing more than a wet dream, minus the one flashback to the nurse's office for "context", and ends just in time to keep the whole thing under 45 minutes in length.

I really do appreciate the level of detail on the cock technique in this scene, especially with the commentary explaining exactly what the nurse is doing with each finger on a physical level.

I say this in every single one of my 18+ Reviews, but I vehemently recommend with all my heart watching hentai anime dubbed in English whenever possible. As with most porn productions, the voice acting is almost always notoriously awful, but in animation, this only encourages the actors to go absolutely ham with over-the-top voices and take batshit wild liberties with the script. The directors already know their audience is going to be small to virtually nonexistent, so they simply cast caution to the wind and let the actors go nuts, resulting in some of the most laugh-out-loud line readings you'll ever hear in a cartoon.

That said, the nutty dub is really the show's only saving grace when it comes to comedy. There are some funny moments, all things considered, but ultimately the whole thing reeks of early 00s jackass humor, which is something I've personally had more than my fill of over the years. It was the voices and script that did it for me. Isao's cadence randomly flipping back and forth between a somewhat lisped fake Japanese accent reminiscent of Mojo Jojo from The Powerpuff Girls and a growling 80s Macho Man was an absolute fucking riot, and Yukito's sarcastic singsong voice strangely reminded me of webtoons I used to watch back in that era - namely, the oft-forgotten Bonus Stage.

Ah, and I should also mention, as a product of its time, the dub does contain a couple of R-slurs, which is probably the more offensive of its various sins to be aware of if you were somehow thinking of showing this for movie night. Anyway, moving on.

Now THIS is what I want to see more of in porn. Artsy yet completely explicit "lowbrow" comedy told through striking artwork. Dumb jokes told through high art!

At the end of the day, Hooligan is honestly a pretty terrible hentai production. While the dub cracked me up, the story is ridiculous, the animation is extremely minimal and often very wooden, and the sex is pretty one-sided and bland. There are occasional highlights to be found, like the shadowplay scene of Yukito's cock having an encouraging heart-to-heart with Hiromi's pussy, or the inherent comedy of Victoria going invisible and sucking off Yukito repeatedly, dodging his cumshots to avoid being detected, even though there was literally only one place she could conceivably be. But beyond that, the whole OVA is a ridiculous and entirely forgettable experience.

If nothing else, Hooligan at least makes a decent blueprint for something that could have been much funnier. Embracing the absurdity of the dub and the cartoonish plot is something I'd like to see more of - whether placed in more talented hands, or with a much bigger budget - so it's not something I *regret* watching, but it's likely something I won't be eager to watch again any time soon.

The sexiest thing in the anime is Yukito knowing where the clit is, but it's completely offset by his intentionally annoying voice.

As far as follow-up recommendations go, my number one choice would be Dragon Pink. Equally set up as nothing more than a CollegeHumor porn parody of fantasy anime, Dragon Pink relies on the same set of goofy and contrived setups for sexual debauchery as Hooligan, but with a less hammy dub and a wider variety of freaky fetish material to be explored.

You might also enjoy something like Marine A Go Go for its - as I recall, anyway - weird sense of humor and cyborg maid shenanigans. For something still funny but with a little more substance (albeit no explicit sex), Girls Bravo is always a good place to start. Or, for another wacky and wild hentai dub experience, try F-Force.

A perfect depiction of how dense trans chasers can be in the face of a hot woman with a cock.

Nothing else to report here. This one is entirely skippable if you're in the mood for something sexy, but perfect if you just want to load up on your preferred vice and veg out for some laughs. Trust me, you'll have forgotten about it in a week anyway.